fighting.

I am tired.

It feels like each new day I wake up more weary than the day before.  There are a thousand things in this process that are out of my control, yet I am hovering over them like I can do something.  I check my email throughout the night for any word from across the ocean.  Even in my dreams, I'm racing around, flinging paperwork here and there, hoping to finish this journey.

I am drained.

I don't know what's in store emotionally around the next turn.  I am told to be hopeful, yet I am reserved.  Conflicted.  Even terrified in some moments.  The next step is dark.  We don't know the end of this story.  I trust God, but do I trust Him enough to surrender completely- no matter the outcome- knowing He works all things for His glory?

As I sat in my floor this morning, I am so thankful for His word that whispered to my exhausted heart:

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” -Exodus 14:14

By nature, I'm a fighter.  I am passionate, loud, and zealous.  I love to champion a cause I stand behind, rally others, and make things happen.  Fighters need control.  You can't be in a place of surrender and fight at the same time.  It's either/or. 

I've been fighting tooth and nail since we heard "No."  I've heard hopeful solutions, and ran full speed ahead at them. I've worked hard collecting documents, doing the next step, fighting for justice.  I haven't slowed down.  I've grabbed the reigns and pushed for a gallop. 

And God is whispering for me to be still. 

This isn't my fight.  It's His. 

He has promised to fight on our behalf.  He has promised to fight for Hudson- He said in His word that He sets the lonely in families. 

My job is to be still. 


He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”  -Psalm 46:10

Know Him.  Be still.  

busted heart.

"I am the wandering son 

Your love is never enough 

I keep chasing the wind 

Instead of chasing Your love 

I'm screaming out Your name 

Don't let me fall on my face 

I've got a busted heart 

I'm in need of a change 

I'm desperate for grace." 

-Busted Heart by For King & Country

I feel like this song describes my journey to unplug from the chatter of social media and plug into the true source of life.  It's been 5 days.  I haven't cheated.  But is that really what it's all about?

It's so easy to replace the time spent on one thing with something else.  I've been chasing the wind- trying to fill my time with cheap replacements of the real thing- God.  My time doesn't need to be filled; it already is.  By Him.  His plans.  His words.  And I'm crowding them out with stuff.  What a tragedy.  

One step at a time, one day at a time, one minute at a time- He must increase, I must decrease.  

Jesus, take all of me.  Busted heart and all. 

beauty from ashes.

Today is Ash Wednesday.  The beginning of Lent.  The preparations of my heart for the wonder of Easter. 

The ashes are for my sorrow, my grief over the sins that drag my heart away from Christ.  An outward symbol of what's going on inside. 

However, the ashes aren't enough. 

Joel 2:12-13 says,

“Yet even now,” declares the LORD,
“Return to Me with all your heart,
And with fasting, weeping and mourning;

And rend your heart and not your garments.”
Now return to the LORD your God,
For He is gracious and compassionate,
Slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness
And relenting of evil. 

The outward signs of repentance- the tearing of clothes, the ashes on our heads, the giving up of things which has come to mean Lent- these mean nothing without a complete heart surrender.  These actions symbolize our grief over sin, but never will substitute for what is happening in my heart.  

In this season of Lent, I am broken over the shallowness of my time spent with Christ- my Savior, the Lover of my soul- who I brush over like a task on my to-do list.  I desire to grow in closeness, in intimacy with Him- to hear His voice more clearly and follow more obediently.  There is so much "noise" in my life that distracts me from hearing His direction, and from digging in deeply with Him.  I've decided during this season to turn off the noise.  

I'm unplugging from Social Media for this season.  I will still be blogging along my journey, as it helps me to sort through what God is doing and saying to my heart.  I also know many of you are praying for us along this journey, and I would never want to keep from you how God is moving mountains to bring Hudson home.  I've set up my blog posts to automatically update my status so you can see what God is doing if you desire to follow along, or you are welcome to check in here.  

I am looking forward to the quiet, uninterrupted time spent with Jesus.  My heart wanders so easily-I am praying this time helps to bind my heart to His, that I may grow in His likeness.  That His beauty may grow from these ashes. 

answered prayers and blessings.

I now am officially employed as an Administrative Assistant. 

All the requested documentation is now on the way to be apostilled and then headed over the ocean to be translated.

People everywhere are praying Hudson home.  

And we are blessed.  Overwhelmed.  Humbled. 

Thank you doesn't seem adequate enough.  You're an irreplaceable part of our boy's story.  God is working, moving mountains before our very eyes.  And while we are yet to know the end of the story, we are trusting.

"Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther... 'And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?'” -Esther 4:13a, 14b

Even though we can't see what God is doing, or pretend to understand, we are trusting there will be a "such a time as this" in Hudson's story.  Thank you for being a part.  Thank you for overwhelming us with the love of God through your words, thoughts, and actions.  Thank you for helping God's glory shine through.  

We love you all!

battling the should haves...

Music is good therapy for me. There are three songs I keep hitting repeat on.

Faithful God - Laura Story (this one's my favorite right now...)  

"And may this hope that reaches to the depths of human need 

Be the song that I sing- in joy and suffering... 

Faithful God, every promise kept 

Every need You've met- Faithful God 

All I am and all I'll ever be 

Is all because You love faithfully" 

If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens

"The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley, if You want me to...
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone."

While I'm Waiting - John Waller

"I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting,  I will serve You

While I'm waiting, I will worship

While I'm waiting, I will not faint

I'll be running the race- even while I wait."

I'll be the first to admit to you that I'm still working on that last one.  It's hard to move ahead in faith, when I want to wallow in self pity.  It's hard to serve and worship Him when I am so wrapped up in myself.  It's not pretty, people.  But, I'm striving towards something, someONE better. 

I'm determined to fight my best battle this week against the should haves.  While we were indeed booked on a flight out of here to go get our son on Sunday, it obviously not was our "should have."  While we had planned to take custody of Hudson on Tuesday, God had planned another itinerary for us.

Do I understand?  No way!

Do I trust Him?  You bet.   

So while my schedule this week looks completely different than all our plans, I'm not going to dwell on the "should haves" like I want.  I don't want to miss what God has for us, right here, right now.  Yes, it hurts sometimes, and it's hard and messy.  But every new day is our real "should have," regardless of how different we had planned it.

We pray for God's will and His glory above all else.  We know He is doing a great thing.  While we wait to see it unfold, we will keep running the race set before us.   

hard stuff

No doubt about it, this week has been hard.  Some days, it just seems like a bad dream.  Other days, when I close my eyes, the reality of the situation won't leave me.  It's easier to keep busy, to keep moving, until I collapse from exhaustion at the end of the day.  Throwing myself in to getting the documents ready makes me feel like we're moving closer, like before this all happened. 

I remember after court, the inspector came up to us and said that all children are born from pain, this was just part of his birth.  This was before we knew there was any hope of resolution.  I was just wanting to go HOME, and her words seemed hollow and a million miles away from my heartbreak.

As I processed through my tears on that long car ride back to our host home, her words kept coming back to echo in my head, but in a different form.

"Joy born from pain is that much more joyful."

I know our joy will be born.  Through the tears, sorrow, heart break, uncertainty- our joy will be born.  And we will have that much more to rejoice over.  God has a plan, and we trust Him to guide us through this darkness with His perfect light, through the pain of this trial to the joy of bringing our son home. 
 

thank you for standing with us

I just wanted to say thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, words, emails, calls, and support.  You standing with us (and sometimes for us) has been such a blessing during these difficult days.  To say we were shocked was an understatement.  Our biggest worry was the 30 day wait.  But we know that God is bigger than this mountain that seems so huge.  My focus must stay on Him, not the stormy, angry waves.

We know God is up to something big.  We wait expectantly for Him, following His leading, and trusting where He guides.  While this may have caught us by surprise, God knew. 

 

the post i never dreamed of writing.

We're waiting at the airport to return home. I feel like any minute I will wake up from this nightmare.  Here's my facebook status from Friday:

Court today did not go in our favor. Judge denied us for many reasons, but seems willing to work with us, so we are trying to figure out what to do from here. We still believe Hudson will come home, we just don't know when. Thanks for all your prayers, it's been a long hard day.

 I don't want to give any more details at this point, for fear of jeopardizing anything.  Please just be praying for us as we return and do what we need to do to come back for our boy.  

Visit with Hudson!

We arrived at the baby house this afternoon around 3, at the end of nap time.  Hudson had just woken up, and was looking at us sleepily when we went into his room.  They changed him into clothes for going to the "cold" upstairs (tights under shorts with sandals, t-shirt with heavy jacket) and then brought him out into the entry room with us.  He went right to Ryan and grabbed hold of his hands.  The caretakers (since the other kids were still asleep) stayed in the doorway a few minutes with us.  They were telling us what a joyful boy he is, how much they love him, and how he's learned to dance since we were last there!  He also had 2 big green patches on his face where he had scratched himself and they had treated it with an antiseptic (I think!) - my first thought was that his face was painted!

We took him upstairs to the playroom, and it was obvious he remembered the diaper bag full of toys.  He went straight for it, digging through, choosing objects and setting them aside with a "Nyet!"  He found a few favorites, and then he found the snacks!  He can put a hurting on a box of goldfish!

He was much more active this time, and vocal!  Our interpreter said he was pronouncing words very clearly, where last time he was just babbling.  We played a lot with stacking and nesting toys, figuring out how they work and putting them back together.  He is very into order, and likes everything to be back where it belongs!

We also had the awesome opportunity to go with his groupa to music time today.  They came and got us, so Hudson could participate and we could watch.  Imagine a group of 11 2-3 year olds with maracas and wooden spoons to bang together, and you've got a pretty good picture!  One of the workers at the baby house plays the piano for them, and they are the percussion!  They also have hand movements, and even a dance to some of the songs!  It was so adorable.  We distracted the entire group from performing their best, but it was a lot of fun to see such a great opportunity for the kids!

Towards the end of our visit, Hudson wanted to be held the entire time. He was giving out lots of hugs and kisses, and even called me "Mama" a few times!  I would point to Ryan and say "Papa" and Hudson would say "Da!" (Yes!) but he never would say Papa.  He did love spending time with him though!

It was such a great visit, and we were very encouraged.  We're ready for court tomorrow morning, and hoping to hear the judge say "Da!" to the adoption as well as the 10 day or no day wait!  Keep praying with us!  We appreciate it so much!

 

Now boarding!

We're boarding our last flight now! Can't wait to land and wish Hudson a Happy Birthday in his country!! I was so excited last night I didn't sleep more than 2 hours! We're at the beginning of the end of this adoption journey, and ready to start our family journey!!!

 

We're here!

We've made it to Hudson's region, and will head out to the baby house shortly to spend the afternoon with him!  Can't wait to see him again!

We were crazy to ever think it was cold last time we were here- this is a whole new level.  We're wearing everything we can find to try and stay warm!  You know it's bad when you breathe out your nose and the condensation from your breath freezes!

Our court appointment is tomorrow morning- please be in prayer for our nerves, and for favor and mercy with the judge.  We know it's all in His hands, and we trust Him!

 

Calling all Prayer Warriors!

We've landed, and are safe and sound in our host home for the night.  We travel to Hudson's region tomorrow to visit with him and get ready for court!

As you know, our adoption journey has been anything but predictable.  We met with our facilitator after we landed and learned some bad news.  They're afraid they are going to implement the 30 day wait instead of the 10 day wait, which means an extra 20 days until we can bring Hudson home. 

We're the first foreign family in our region to adopt, and they're unsure what they are going to do.  It seems they've started the 30 day wait for citizens, so they have no reason to doubt that the 30 day wait will apply to us as well.  We've filled out a petition to waive the wait, however long, and the Baby House doctor said she had her speech ready to deliver that he NEEDS to come home, ASAP.

Please pray the judge will have mercy and let our little boy come home sooner than later.  However God wants to move this mountain, will you join in prayer with us that he will?

 

Miscellany Monday!

1. I am checking us in for our flight in less than an hour!!  AHHH!!  So excited!

2.  I have "stuff" strung everywhere that I need to try and cram into two 50 pound suitcases.  It's going to be a challenge, for sure!

3.  I still can't believe in less than a MONTH, Hudson will be HOME! :)  We can't wait!

4.  We're being featured today over at Hopeful Threads!  Make sure you hop over to Kristy's awesome blog and say hello!  And if Kristy sent you this way, please say hi!  I'd love to meet you! :)


In the meantime, come join the link up fun with Carissa at lowercase letters and share your miscellany monday!  How's that for some miscellany?!  I'm in travel mode!!!

the truth hurts, sometimes.

I love reading through my old posts. Not in a vain, I'm so great kind of way, but to be on the other side of the bumps and twists and turns we've navigated on this journey and to watch as God unfolded His perfect plan for us. Life looks so much different on the other side of the valley than when you are in the pit of it. And in reading through my reflections, struggles, confessions and prayers I've posted in this space, I realized a few things about myself.

And I can't say that I like it too much.

When things are hard, when my circumstances don't make sense and overwhelm me- I turn to God. There's nowhere else to go. No one else understands, knows, sees the big picture. When my heart is broken, I hand it over to the one who painstakingly formed it. I actively seek His face, and struggle and fight to take hold of His truths.

But when things are good, when they are going according to MY plans...

I happily skip out on my own, leaving behind those truths I've fought so hard to grasp. When it's easy, I can handle it just fine on my own! I don't need His truths- life is good!

Oh, but how wrong my independent, "happy" heart is. And how fast it will lead me astray, whistling a happy tune.

Why can't I get it through my thick skull that God is not just a master problem solver, but also the author of joy? Why can't I laugh well with Him, but I can pour out my sorrows to Him? What makes this lump of clay think I am ANYTHING, ANYONE, on my own, apart from the potter who is molding me new each day into what He desires?

And so, I will choose today to position myself in reverence and worship to the One who has ordained my every step. And I will choose it again, when my thoughts wander elsewhere. Or when my heart feels in control. Or when life is going my way and so am I. Again and again, I will consciously choose to follow hard after Him, in all things.

Because the only life worth living is completely in Him.